i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
