Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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