I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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