I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
