Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
