I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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