A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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