Already got asked if we're dating
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
no. you can't hotbox the world.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
