Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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