I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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