Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
