The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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