no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
