I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh god it's open bar.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
