the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
