the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
then he tried to convert me to islam
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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