Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
