Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
