my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
