Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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