Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
