he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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