how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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