If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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