I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sarcasm needs its own font
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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