Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
