he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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