I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
