She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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