my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My feet surprised me
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
