please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
