She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
pray to the hookup gods
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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