I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
