the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
