Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
