I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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