I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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