Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize