He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
