I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
