Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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