Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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