I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
