Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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