It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
MIDGETS
????
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
