is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
