everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
