I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
