Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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