mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
