I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
