I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the day after is always just damage control
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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