Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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