I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I could make wine with my vomit
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
