I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize