I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
