The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I had to cum in my sink.
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