Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
