Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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