I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize