two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
ok first of all what the fuck
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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