census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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