I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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